CarHonk Catharsis (The Big Damn Freakin’ Elevator Pitch)

You know what they say about trying to promote your ideas. If you can’t do it in the length of an elevator ride, you’re probably fucked.

You ever try crossing the street in the middle of a traffic jam?

Chances are, one car is gonna stop for you. And there’s a good chance the car behind that car will HONK at the car that’s stopping, just for your sake.

It’s the type of thing that makes you pretty upset. Clearly there’s a good reason for the car to be not be moving. And clearly, the honker is out of line.

Even if you can justify it, you’ve got to push your eyebrows down at something like that. It definitely belongs somewhere in that category of stupid of malicious. And it’s definitely worth quivering and quaking over just a little.

Why press your horn? Why? Why?

How could anyone be so casually awful?

Is everything fucked?


I do not believe that everything is fucked.

Because I believe that our species has been trying to bottle that sort of state for as long as civilization’s been around.

It’s in all good fiction. It totally is.

And you’d have to be smoking something really really really strong to not have that urge within you as well.

That drive to be…..unlike the nasty and the useless and the rude and unhelpful.

Yeah, we crave that, we really crave that. Even people far off on the deep ends of human cruelty…they want to feel like they’re not the shitty one, somehow.

We have yet to filter out the scream of personal dignity from the most irritating and loathsome behavior.

And the best of evidence of this…is when your cheeks start glowing and your heart starts swooning at the thought of somebody………being so very properly improper.

When you can soothe the part of you that feels surprised and fascinated by how intensely you can regard the traits and deeds of anyone,

you’ll be able to bring this world closer to its biggest victory:

real words, real words, real words of criticism that soothe the insightful, keen, nuanced sort of beast that is a human.

Maybe you’ve lost interest at this point. If so, let me grab you by the collar metaphorically and stare into your eyes.

The person in the car honking is not a simplistic fucking idiot.

The person honking in the car is not a mindless fucking dope.

The person honking in the car is not a shitty fucking stooge.

The person in the car, honking as they are, has those fucking rainbows in their chest that you have.

You know this and you fear this, don’t you?

Or rather, you’re scared that no matter how many times you insult somebody like that,

they just won’t fucking change, people won’t fucking change.

Your insults are as slow as sedimentary erosion.

And here’s why. They have that same sense of special-ness that you do
when you’re at your most composed and furious.

And I believe that thing all people have really is rather special,

it’s just poorly articulated.

And my purpose is to explain the shit out of that magic spark of inner beauty that makes a person immune to anything but slow, mysterious self-improvement.

Yes, stranger, I want you to look into that pain inside your smile when you insult someone, deride someone, or shame someone, and think,

this isn’t really that apt, is it?

I want to destroy our need to argue about why anyone would do anything that’s shocking and extreme, causing millions to love or hate them very, very deeply.

That skinny line between the best people and the worst people that you straddle so adeptly is the root of all that can’t be criticized.

I’m not your average blogger, taking minor jabs at big philosophers.

Creating 3 or 4 or posts saying “well, ya know, there’s something kinda not terrible about the people on the wrong side of history.”

I aim to satisfy everyone who ever got mad at anyone and felt as though they’d gone beyond words.

I have something solid. Something unique and forged from raw insight into what a person’s mind is like when at its most unstoppably serene.

I have an idea of how to bottle us. Contain us. Demystify us. Validate us.

Everything on the tip of your tongue, which pushes you to screaming.

It comes down to these three concepts that I illustrate really well if you go and read Season 5 and Season 6.

  1. People, socially have a hidden sense that everything is CONNECTED BUT ALSO NOT CONNECTED, in a way that’s just as admirable as it is exploitable.

2. People have a cognizance, a tolerance, a love, and a disgust, of EXCESS in themselves and others, and a healthy feeling resentment for specific sorts of passiveness.

3. People have an overwhelming affection and appreciation for what it means to be perfectly out of place and very well distanced from human incompetence.

These concepts will all make sense if you can learn what I mean by “being dragon headed” or “the hunterian opiate“.

They’re terms I’ve chosen because they embody a person’s sheer ferocity and craftiness.

And don’t serve the purpose of exposing malice as much as how terribly strong a person feels when they feel like the opposite of worthless.

It might not make sense to you now, but give it time, and you will get it. If you’ve read a philosophy textbook, or know what good filmmaking is, or cried listening to music, or made a really good fucking meme, you’ll get it. I’m rooting for you getting it. I need you to get it. We need to get it. We have to get it.

Think of this as the last gambit before everything stays shitty forever.

Think back to the car honker.

Look at those three terms I just posted.

Think about the goal of capturing lightning in a bottle.

And realize this-

the maker of the funny noise in the vehicle is aware…..

even if they can’t see the intersection in front of whom they are honking at…..

that there may very well be a good reason for the car not moving.

That it’s excessive to blame anyone for simply hesitating at the pedal.

That it’s highly possible the noise will have no effect on pushing any car to move.

That the horn is a form of a primal sort of catharsis not to be indulged lightly.

That they are capable of not pushing the button, and have indeed done so in the past.

That they have likely been in similar situations of bondage and futility before.

That in some ways, they are in a state of freedom, having vehicular autonomy.

That they seem like an antagonist to some drivers, and a potential ally to others.

That this is one situation, small compared to others, and also big, being the moment of the present.

That they are not the only one suffering like this, but must ACT CREATIVELY.

When a person takes an action that is likely to be seen as crude or useless or belligerent,

their chest begins to stir. They feel something deep down. They get warm and mystical. They enter a state above evaluation.

But I will end that lack of articulation.

I will breal that state down to a fucking science.

I want to bring us past our reliance on good TV and literature and music or mythology or even profound poetic works just to come close to tolerating the wrath of all your neighbors.

No more, no more, no more, no more, I want it to end. Just stop the inner and outer screaming and shock and awe about how anyone would find joy in being horrible.

No more people needing to go to forums to find a fraction of the ability to bear all the behavior that seems totally beyond correcting.

And definitely fucking not a need to rely on your own family or community or culture to find a place of competence and steadiness in a tricky world.

In this place inside my dream, there are people looking into each other’s eyes and feeling “yeah, I get why you’d do that, I totally fucking get why you do that”,

and calming. the. fuck. down.

And in this world, the everyday disasters of human cooperation don’t happen. They just don’t fucking happen and nobody screams anymore.

Okay, let’s cool the heat.

Forget about my dream for a bit.

If you’re just bored and want to read something that feels a little bit new, give me a chance! If you want a fresh take! If you like the internet! If you hate your job! If you want to feel close to other people! If you’re here, today, and hope for just a little more insight into why everyone else feels like the person who’s got that insight!

Or you’re just tired as fuck from nothing seeming to go right from the endless project of betterment that the mass media seems to have always wished for.

Maybe if you want to try just one more thing, one more time, before finally, finally, finally, being able to…..grasp yourself at your most intense.

Get around others at their most intense.

Create unity with others despite their intensity.

Fill in the blanks that all the folk songs could never do.

Capture us in a beautiful bottle.

Just need a dopamine hit.

Or have thought 9 hours about why anyone would be cruel to anyone.

By the way, don’t read the whole thing. Just read Seasons 5 and 6!

I really found my stride there.

So, within Seasons 5 and 6, either start from the beginning,

or go out of order and see what interests you.

Sink your teeth into these twenty posts like they’re lasagna.

I promise you, I promise you, I promise you.

This is what you were wishing somebody could have said before.

This is the next big little step to seeing why everybody else feels so nice despite seeming like the antithesis of being good.

If you get that modern fucking Plato vibe, keep going and peruse the entirely of this.

Well, stranger? You’ve already stayed longer in the elevator than you needed to.

Will you stay a while like I asked,

or get out and keep anything from changing?

Got a little pain in your head from the big ego of that statement?

Hold onto that pain. I can help you with it.

I can free you from the irritation that comes with anyone insisting that you would totally benefit from following them.

I can help you not have to walk back and forth with jaw clenched and neck weak,
every time you see someone exhibiting sunshine and rainbows at someone else’s misery.

That’s my offer, a reduction of the headaches that come with witnessing anyone’s joy.

A way to lighten the load of the pangs of interpersonal bewilderment.

Just keep reading, I promise, I promise, I promise.

At least a little relief from the beautiful shitshow that even the greatest writer’s can’t seem to put a wire fence around.

The endless quest to feel valuable.

Published by commanderdoubledge

As strange as Willy Wonka, as sincere as Benjamin Franklin, I am the one who is going to bring purpose to the internet. I am Commander L1 Doubledge.

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