It was a long time ago. I sent a message to someone, saying that we should
meet up and talk things over to figure out how we feel about each other.
Despite the messaging system being there.
It was a very complicated scenario, perhaps one that even a writer of stories would envy in its depth and scope.
I’ve spent over a decade musing about what I should have done, or what I might have done, or even,
all the scenarios that could have taken place even if I could insert my present self into the me of the past.
Perhaps you can infer, it didn’t work out well for me.
It cascaded into….a lot of rough things.
And inspiration to find the words to criticize myself.
The most interesting part though, is that I was not berated for it, by this person.
I was even called “not creepy” in a way that was truly lacking in sarcasm or bitterness.
This person admitted to lacking the words.
It made sense for them to lack the words, considering my vibe.
I was, maybe, simply, all that couldn’t be criticized.
All that there has never been a way to deconstruct calmly.
I mean, slowly muddling through, making the most delicate of proposals and apologies through the messenger,
over a very long period of time,
might have, maybe, actually worked to my benefit.
If I had a bigger heart.
But I’d rather just try and explain what kind of person I was being.
The type of person whom this person had helped awaken of course,
the very one who supercharged a feeling of “good vibes” into my personality
that hadn’t been there previously, not since before, of all things, kindergarten.
Someone who made me feel eager and happy to be human, with others, for once,
like I barely had from ages 5 to 19.
By asking to meet up and settle things, or suggesting it, even,
I was being very big hearted.
Acting on friction.
Making a gambit for the sake of something
which can definitely be called, “for human dignity”.
“The heart” of a person gets bigger and bigger,
craving not only a positive outcome for its owner,
but to feel as though one’s choices had….
just the kind of problematic vibe…..that generally leads to greater happiness.
It craves not only to prevent a situation from not progressing….
but to respect its owner’s ability to navigate anything, both respectfully and calmly.
It craves not only the rush of experiencing new sensations of pleasure and self-worth,
but a sense that you are bearing the intensity of those sensations quite admirably.
Ah, the three positive energy directives, so infamous they have failed to even be named….until now.
If I could go back in time, I’d hand myself that diagram.
If I could tell anyone anything, it would be that diagram.
If I am proud of anything, it would be that diagram.
I’d validate myself and become
unbefuddled by everything I was feeling.
And got to see more closely what was going on
inside the heart of someone who had let me come, in many ways, quite close.
Their already ongoing struggle was a similar scenario. One which might be called filled with intentions both ambiguous and very clear.
They spent time with me with a purpose to mend pain, the destination of that effort being not too well strategized, or so I gather.
If I and the other had read this diagram,
I think things would have been a lot more pleasant.
Or maybe, there’d be a world where things fell into a place
as people seek love
a lot more gently and softly.
You know what I’d like to go? Get up on stage on a therapy talk show
and explain exactly why therapy WOULDN’T have prevented things from playing out a certain regrettable way.
People fly with wings of determination toward a goal. And it’s not like they’re not in control at all, not fixing things at all, not being brave at all.
That’s where the speed of human will gets really quick- from knowing there is a good vibe coming from you at your most controversial.
It doesn’t make you a bad person to feel yourself smashing through fate, getting around possibilities, making massive changes in plans, and mustering up strength of will and desire without any precedent in your life.
It makes you kind of angelic, I suppose. You grow wings, and really start to feel PURE.
But that same feeling is felt even by the most frustrating and upsetting people you’ll see on something like Dr. Phil. By people defending themselves in a manner you find “cringey”. And especially by otherwise sane adults having a terrible moment with the authorities.
Like, I said, I’m not saying this to be sappy. It’s not a bizarre conclusion to say that most people are filled with love, and do a lot of other things that make other people think they couldn’t be.
And that people, for the most part, despite what you think of them, have the energy of that in their most outrageous actions.
People, despite everything, spend hours at the movies, with a very “love” like feeling in their chest, rooting for the main characters, enjoying subversive characters, and wondering how to weave human decency out of bizarre scenarios.
Do you know what I’m sick of? People being surprised by how much love people can feel who seem to be completely fucking obnoxious.
Karen and the affection for her dog she shows after the conflict in the supermarket. How charming, right?
Makes your cheeks clench. Might bring you halfway to tears, even.
How a person driven by conflict could have so much potential for good vibes.
We do wish to be around others who have what we see as real fucking positive energy,
but can also bear the dangerous, delirious, dynamic, draining, defeating positive energy we all possess.
Our hearts ache to touch that and be that.
Perhaps that it what is known as “love”.
To want to hold and enhance that positive energy even if the means by doing it feels reckless and messy as can be.
This is my answer for those who speak of and cry for “nuance” and “empathy” and “respecting everybody”.
I simply acknowledge that other full grown human beings
can sense that they know
that fixing things involves the art of breaking things,
that passiveness is only potentially despicable,
and that discomfort must be put into play for anyone to truly feel justifiably relaxed,
and that THIS is the best description of what a mature adult is referring to when their heart feels utterly powerful.
And that at the heart of extremely unpleasant confrontations,
is usually someone
sensing they’ve got
heavens-slicingly not vile feelings within them.
And that we must all see THAT to navigate each other as competently as we wish.
And I know you wish for that harder than you hate anyone.
I know that you at your absolute most despicable usually only comes forth after feeling your jaw stretch as you fantasize about things WORKING OUT.
You feel as though you only hurt people on purpose when you’ve crossed a certain horizon, at which your will to do things peacefully has NO place in the universe.
But that is the point to bind yourself with threads.
That is the point to defy your instinct. I’m not talking about primal instincts, or social instincts, or some kind of transcendent metaphysical instinct.
Every day, billions of people consider not confronting someone else, and do it anyway.
And they do it because they have a hidden instinct that tells them, the things they are doing are positive, are purposeful, are absolutely lovely.
This instinct tells you that you haven’t betrayed the awesome part of yourself.
Is that not the best way to summarize this whole thing?
You have a vision in your mind of a darkly nauseating person doing incredibly miserable things. And you feel almost like you’ve shaped yourself on defying that person for almost your entire life.
That moment when you feel like you’ve distanced yourself from that person does NOT make you ignorant. It’s proof you’re not a cartoon villain. It’s proof you like solving problems, being peaceful, and defying your comforts, and growing beyond the person you used to be.
And for the most part, you do a lot more nice than terrible things for people, right?
You’re just the strong and tough version of an innocent child, right?
Yeah, that’s how I felt. When making my case to the person who gave me the kind of joy that turned my world upside down.
It took a very, very long time….to feel as though I could strand up straight again, in that lovely inverted world.
Hey, stranger, you want to make the world go upside down in just the same way?
You can flip something more than twice!
All it takes is this. Sense the beauty in the will to make conflict.
And hold its and hands and dance with it to keep it from trashing the venue.
Make it feel like it’s finally getting the affection it deserves.
Conflict doesn’t make you trashy. Overall, it’s borderline virtuous.
But it needs to be pacified in a new way.
I know for a fact that is the way out of this mess of a time.
I don’t care who makes it happen, but if it does, this is the means by which.
Get a suave grip on the you that feels like it couldn’t possibly deserve to be held back.