When I enter the shower, the hot steam feels nice.
I like the contrast of the cold wind beyond the window,
and the burning heat of the water inside of it.
But almost every time, I find myself feeling something resembling self hatred.
The steam becomes rather irritating.
I can enjoy the heat on my skin,
but the warmth in my nose and mouth is too much.
It’s not terrible, but it’s enough,
to spoil the comfort involved.
Even going close to the window, away from the spray,
for a moment, to suck in the wind,
just isn’t enough to keep it from being a bother.
I’m still annoyed by not feeling as refreshed as I was in the first minute,
before the steam became annoying,
when I could be warm be also chill.
It took me a while, but I don’t feel that bad about my discontent anymore.
Because I know despite the selfishness of the desire involved,
there’s a will to be more connected to positive energy itself.
You’re like that, aren’t you?
The culture you come from,
or the subculture you subscribe to, it’s like that, isn’t it?
Bizarre little things bother you and you want to take care of them.
But you want to be the one who solves your own problems.
You want to not be exploited in your peace.
You want the thrill of something other than ordinary pleasure.
Coming up with strange solutions for such things, or moving close to acquiring them,
is immensely validating because
that’s what it means for a human to FEEL AWESOME.
You know there’s something that makes you not terrible and you can’t put your finger on it.
There’s a differential, isn’t there?
No matter how many people try to bring you down,
no matter how much it hurts you,
even if it drives you to take your own life,
you still think, there’s something big and vast and bizarre deep deep deep within you
that makes those people wrong.
That makes your desire to happy quite justified.
We’re not all so childish that we cry when our clothes don’t fit too perfectly,
but we sure as hell as can fight to make the tailor adjust the seams.
It’s too bad though, that we get caught up in how well we can handle unpleasantness,
as we push and shove our way toward possible solutions.
When your desires really do feel valid, that’s when you have the capability to make everything better for everyone.
It’s also when you’re nearly immune to the the effects of the woe and dismay of other people.
To find a place where you’re not too desperate for pleasant things,
and fight for the inner peace caused by that,
is to become all that has yet to be properly brought to its knees.
Basically, what I’m saying is,
that feeling of being even and fair is the most ferocious human force.
That’s the unblockable flight of a piece of human will.
I don’t want people to sulk at how ugly they feel for wanting to be happy.
I don’t want you to be sickened by peaceful assertiveness.
But I don’t want the uplifted to
keep sweating out their intensity to the point others
can barely handle the odors.
I want everywhere to be like a hot spring on a cold mountain.
I’m sure you do as well.
But let me assure you, this all doesn’t come from a desire to say sweet things to people.
It comes from seeing how fucked up people aren’t.
And wanting to toss a ring around our necks
that stops us at our most troublesome.
To fulfill the gap between how we see ourselves and how we actually are
in which a lot of innocence really is there.